What I’ve Learned In 4 Years of Marriage

Today, Elliot and I are celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary.

It’s been a big year for us. Elliot graduated and started a new job. I was pregnant for half of it and we brought home our firstborn. We sold our first home and moved into our forever home. It’s been a lot, but it’s been so good.

I think that I’ll always learn new things about Elliot and marriage in general, no matter how long we’re together. At least, I hope I do.

I enlisted the help of my husband to come up with a list of things that we’ve found that really helped us in our marriage, and some stuff we just learned along the way. He had several really good (and pretty funny) things to add, so I made him his own list at the end. Enjoy.

No bull**** before 7 am, and no feedback after 9 pm.

The last person to bed makes sure the counters are clear, the coffeepot is set and the blinds are closed. Do I try to head upstairs first every night? Absolutely. But in my defense, I have to pump and feeding the baby is a noble cause. Thanks, honey!

The Sunday morning drive to church is a surefire time to argue. Not because neither of us have had enough coffee yet and definitely not because we’re rushing out the door late. Again.

It’s important to check in on a regular basis (we do it weekly). It’s better to ask for feedback in an open conversation than let things build up.

Meetings. It’s not sexy, but we have a weekly planning meeting to go over each of our commitments, any appointments, meal planning, chores, etc. We also have budget meetings a few times a year when our financial goals change, our pay is altered, or we just want a refresh on the big picture.

Active Listening. This is something we learned in therapy and it’s so helpful. When your partner is expressing a hurt or problem with you, it’s important to listen, and repeat back to them what they said. This prevents you from getting defensive right off the bat (or thinking about your response while they’re talking) when they confront you with something you did that hurt them. More importantly, it tells them they are heard. I’ve found it’s best to apologize shortly after repeating back the complaint, if I’ve done something to hurt him.

Marriage (and general Life) Lessons from Elliot

Don’t do things with the expectation that your spouse will thank you for it, but thank your partner every chance you get.

If you forget to set the coffeepot at night, make sure you’re the first one up in the morning.

Never assume your partner knows where you’re coming from.

If she starts getting cranky, make her a snack and refill her water.

If I look at something and think “this is fine, I’ll do it later” there is a 100% chance that it is NOT fine, and I need to do it now.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12