Some Thoughts On Marriage: Musings of a Pregnant Lady

Enjoy some random, disorganized, but deep(er) thoughts and feelings about life, love and marriage, straight from my pregnancy brain. You’re welcome.

Can I tell you guys something?

I have a the biggest crush on my husband.

I do. It’s probably the hormones and the feels (which are typically lacking in my super-logical, zero-emotions self) that’s making me like-like him in a “more than friends” kind of way, but whatever.

The closer I get to baby’s due date, the more I think about my husband. The more I think about the man I’m going to be raising this child with. The one who’s going to tackle this enormous task that will, no doubt, be overwhelming and hard and scary and wonderful and all the things.

Elliot is kind, endlessly empathetic and caring, and still the most patient man I’ve ever met. He is a servant, always giving of himself before asking of others. He is a better partner than I could have ever dreamed up for myself. Elliot has the biggest heart and is always looking for ways to show me I am loved and treasured. He is easily the biggest blessing I have ever received. This baby is SO blessed to have him for a father.

While I will happily say that marriage is one of the best things that have ever happened to me, and that my husband is a HUGE blessing, it is not because I said “I do” and magically everything was rainbows and unicorns and happily ever after. Because that’s not the truth.

Marriage is super hard, because neither one of us are perfect. We’re both flawed sinners, and two sinners married to each other is a hard thing. I mess up a lot. I am selfish and want my own way. I want things to go to my plan. Naturally, I want Elliot to agree with every single thing I think and say - and that is completely bonkers.

In full disclosure, Elliot and I started marriage counseling over a year ago to learn to communicate better. We’re completely different people, with completely different backgrounds - there was bound to be some kind of disconnect in our communication. There is a weird stigma that comes with counseling. You care deeply about your partner, but asking for some help figuring out how to do life together instantly implies there’s “something wrong”. If you ask me, going through the effort of asking for help, getting it and making changes to improve your marriage shows how much it matters to you. I know a lot of couples who have gone far too long not communicating, and it’s not pretty. I didn’t want a good marriage, I wanted a great one. So we decided that we were going to figure out how to communicate best while we were still early in our marriage, without kids, in order to save years of miscommunication and resentment. It has been one of the best decisions we have ever made.

The reason marriage is truly one of the greatest blessings is that I have been transformed (and continue to learn and grow and change) into someone I never thought I could be. Throughout counseling, lots of prayer and growing with Elliot, I have been tested, molded and have learned countless lessons I would never have learned otherwise. I have learned to love and respect my husband, even when I don’t agree with him. I have learned to communicate hurts and frustrations in a way that leads to healing and resolutions, not yelling or the cold shoulder for days. I have learned to show up when Elliot needs it most. I’ve learned to communicate, to control my temper, to take a moment when I need one, and to ask for help when I need it. Most of all, I have learned to put myself second - putting my wants and preferences aside to put my husband and his needs first, whether I feel like it or not.

I am by no means perfect, and I can only hope that I will continue to improve in these areas, but I have also made tremendous progress.

This isn’t to toot my own horn, nor is it to say that Elliot hasn’t done his fair share of growing into the husband he is today. I am so proud of the growth we’ve made over the last few years, and I look forward to the people we will be in the next year or five, as we become parents and navigate that new chapter together.

Marriage isn’t the “happy ending”. It’s the beginning of something better than I could have ever imagined it would be. It’s messing up and learning and giving grace and love and support with the very best friend you’ve ever had.

Having this foundation has made it so much more exciting for us to prepare to welcome our son into the world. I know my baby’s daddy is going to show him love and care and grace, because he does it for me. I know Elliot will be patient and kind with our baby, and forgive him when he messes up, because I’ve seen him learn to do the same for me. He will put our family first, lead us in our faith, and do what is best for us, because he already does. I am so proud to be his wife, and I can’t wait to fall in love with him all over again when I see him with our baby.

For the single ladies reading this, I’m not going to dive into that super-popular phrase of “Wait for the man who..fill in the blank”. Of course, I agree, but it’s overused and you don’t need to hear that. What I will say is, if and when you meet him - and he is what dreams are made of and puts God first and you second - don’t forget that your job is to do the same. You are not a Disney princess who gets what she wants all the time and lives in a paradise. We are all broken people, living in a broken world. Remember that you need to continue to put God first, and then your husband. He is not a prince who came to sweep you off your feet and give you everything you want. He is a partner who also has needs and dreams. He is a human, just like you, who makes mistakes and falls short and struggles. It is your job to support him, and love him when he is unlovable. It is your job to put him first, even when he doesn’t deserve it. It is your job to love him, through thick and thin, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health.

It is hard work, and it is the best thing you’ll ever do.

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” Romans 12:10

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4